Can't get into the
house? Don't worry! There's always the spare key under the welcome mat.
Laptops are shutdown
by simply closing the screen on top of the keyboard.
When a kid's dog runs
away, it's usually been picked up by a mean bad guy. At the end of the movie,
there will be a contest between the kid and the mean bad guy to see who
gets to keep the dog. The dog is put in the middle of the two characters
and they both have to call it at the same time. The one who the dog runs
to gets to keep it. The dog will always start to go to the bad guy, but
at the last second will go to the kid.
Large groups of nuns
always seem to be crossing the street during a car chase.
Large, loft apartments
in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed
The villain will almost
always kidnap the hero's woman in an atempt to destroy the hero's heart
and spirit, but instead it gives him the will to go on and ends up being
the villain's downfall, or the woman he kidnaps will end up defeating him.
A customer's request
to follow that car is never questioned by the cab driver.
All teenage girls have
pink telephones in their bedrooms.
All rumors described
as superstitious nonsense will, without fail, turn out to be true.
If a large pane of
glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
All kid's bicycles
have bells.
A building that in
real life would require several dozen carefully placed explosive charges
for demolition, can in a movie be destroyed by a single bomb in a car trunk.
This bomb will cause no damage to any other building on the block.
A bullet that has the
power to blast the recipient six feet into the air does not have the power
upon discharge to make the shooter even flinch.
A car that crashes
will always explode in a ball of flames, but not until the hero can pull
the important passengers to safety, and yell, "Watch out! She's gonna
blow!"
A character in emotional
turmoil will often get the urge to have a bath. Once in the bath they will
spend at least a minute staring into the middle distance after which they
will always submerge their whole head in the water.
A character will be
gulping down milk, beer, or coffee while he is told exciting/incredible/shocking
news, causing him to spit whatever he was drinking all over (in comedies,
directly into the speaker's face).
A dying person's last
words will always be coherent and significant.
A fight will always
end up in water, if any is available nearby.
A good chase ain't
a good chase unless they run through a busy kitchen.
A hacker can get into
the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the
secret password in two tries.
A high school boy,
no matter what he may look like, act like, or how strange he may be, always
manages to capture the heart of the school's most popular girl.
A kid always knows
more than an adult.
A kid can fend for
himself even if his parents have gone to Paris, leaving him with no food,
electricity, heat, money, etc.
A million dollars in
cash or cocaine will invariably take up exactly the amount of space available
in your briefcase.
A mother will always
find their teenage girl's diary while putting away laundry and it will always
happen after the girl has had some life changing experience like a first
kiss, although the mother has put away the clothes at least a thousand times
before.
A movie teenager will
always have a drainpipe situated next to his or her window. This drainpipe
will be specially reinforced to hold their weight on escape.
A normal 3.5 inch disk
always contains a vast amount of data.
A person clinging to
the roof of a vehicle will have superhuman strength and will be very difficult
to shake off.
A person watching security
screens is always either sleeping or reading porno magazines.
A programmer or hacker
will make fewer mistakes if a gun is pointed to his head.
A pursued hero, with
the bad guys just yards behind him, can jump into a shutdown helicopter,
run through the twenty-five item startup checklist, engage and spin up the
rotors, take off and be out of pistol range before the bad guys catch up.
A ringing phone is
usually picked up within 3 seconds.
A serial killer will
cover the walls of his room with evidence (newspaper clippings, photos,
etc.) of his crimes, even if he still lives at home with his mother. His
mother will have no idea what is going on.
A teenager who is in
love with the older hero (>10 years or so older) will never have his/her
affections returned by the hero. The hero will fob off the teenager politely
and will thereafter play a father/mother role to them.
A wacky bunch of misfits
inevitably pulls things together and wins the league championship.
A woman will regain
her figure within days of giving birth.
After a victim has
been rescued by the police, he or she will always stand outside next to
a police car, draped with a blanket.
After a violent storm
has ended, the sun will immediately come out, flowers will bloom ,and a
bird will begin singing.
All bombs are fitted
with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly
when they're going to go off.
All computers are connected.
You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if
it's turned off.
All computers in movies
are controlled only by keyboard only, no mouse.
All fights taking place
on the edge of a canyon, tall building, or other high place require at least
one bad guy to get plugged by a bullet, arrow, or other missile weapon,
causing to fall, but keeping him alive enough to hear his scream of terror
echo as he plunges to his doom.
All foreign exchange
students come to America wearing the traditional clothes of their homelands.
I guess they do this so that their temporary parents can identify them at
the airport. (Honey, I don't see him. There he is. See the boy in the leiderhosen?)
All geeky or nerdy
characters are inherently subject to motion sickness or fear of some mode
of travel.
All hero divers, no
matter how deep they go, may stay down for as long as they want, never run
out of air (unless it's part of the story), and come to the surface as fast
as they can swim or be pulled without suffering any ill effects
All movie babies are
born HUGE, usually the size of the average two month old.
All movie mothers will
prepare a breakfast every monring, usually consisting of scrambled eggs,
bacon, etc. Dad and the kids will invariably arrive at the table 30 seconds
before Dad has to leave for the office and the kids have to catch the school
bus. Each will have time only for a sip of coffee/juice and/or one bite
of toast.
All nuns seem to travel
in pairs.
All people in dance
clubs will enthusiastically dance to whatever music is currently playing.
All writers are wealthy;
all publishing companies are glamorous; all artists are self-supporting
and have large attractive well-lit loft studios.
Almost all teenagers
have perfect skin, but on the rare occasion that they get a zit, it is always
right in the middle of their nose.
Always knock over the
phone if it wakes you up. If you are expecting a call, make sure that you
pull the covers up completely over your head so that knocking it over becomes
easier. All houses have phones next to the bed.
An explosive device
capable of leveling a large office building will fit inside a toolbox or
small backpack.
Animals in movies always
make the stereotypical sound of that particular animal whenever they are
on screen. Cats are always meowing, dogs bark and growl and whine, cows
moo--all the time.
Animals invariably
have cute moves that are very human-like. An example of this is a dog covering
its eyes/ears with its paws when an accident occurs.
Any American visiting
Britain either criticizes the lack of TV channels (or their content), or
the fact that they drive on the left side of the road.
Any American visiting
Britain will only ever go to London, and said city is full of snobby people
with posh accents and fancy houses, and cockney taxi drivers.
Any gag used, regardless
of how ineffective, will render the person so quiet that a potential rescuer
will be unable to hear them, even if they are only a few feet away.
Any lock can be picked
by our hero in 5 seconds with anything he has in his pocket (credit card,
paper clip, etc.), unless there is a child behind the door and the room
is on fire in which case he can't do anything until help arrives.
Any monster that swallows
an item whole - baseball, bad guy, small town - will then belch contentedly.
Any plan will succeed
if the entire planning stage consists of someone saying and here's what
we'll do... .
Any text field used
in a movie will always be exactly long enough to contain whatever data the
hero intends to type, especially username/password popup displays.
Any time a woman is
brave enough to face her attacker with a gun, the safety will be on. The
assailant will laugh and take the gun from her.
Any time you board
a train, be prepared to do a little fighting on the roof. If you're a henchman,
expect to be knocked off by a surprise tunnel.
Anybody waking from
a particularly disturbing nightmare will not only sit bolt upright and be
out of breath, but will be drenched in sweat and screaming. The person next
to them in bed will calmly ask them what's the matter.
Apparently the LED
timer on every bomb causes time to slow to a crawl. When there are 2 minutes
left on the timer, it will take at least 15 minutes of screen time to count
down, similar to the last 2 minutes of a NFL game.
Artists: Tempermental
people. Writers crumple typewritten sheets in anger; They don't use word-processors.
Painters stand with bare torsos, hurling gallons of paint at the canvass.
As with all hero detectives,
the hero reporters is routinely taken off the story by his department head,
occasionally suspended, yet continues to investigate the aforementioned
story and naturally cracks it in the end.
At some point in a
duel, the hero and villain will cross swords at face level, allowing them
to grip each other's weapon while making nasty/sarcastic comments before
they break the clinch and continue fighting.
Bags of groceries are
never heavy.
Bar fights, especially
in westerns, inevitably have the following scenarios: 1) Someone upstairs
falls and smashes a table-usually with four card players. 2) Someone is
thrown onto the bar, slides down, and knocks all the bottles/glasses off.
Baths: Bubble baths
hide everything. Bubbles never dissipate.
Binoculars never need
to be adjusted by the person viewing through them , the image will always
instantly appear crystal clear .
Any kind of music in
a club, at a dance, etc, always has a backbeat but no words.
Everyone's phone number
is programmed into the same speed dial key.
Guns are always conveniently
loaded with no more, and no less bullets than needed.
Vegetables are always
being chopped in the kitchen, but no one ever has the time to eat dinner.
Makeup in movies is
mixed with a secret sticking solution, so it is incapable of becoming smudged
or being rubbed off unless streaming mascara is needed for dramatic impact.
There is always one
heavily muscled black guy, preferably with an accent of some sort, in action
movies.
To be included in the
geek clique, you must first have about 10 grand worth of orthodontia in
your mouth.
At least one popular
girl is blonde.
Even nerds don't have
zits.
A huge wave of water
or large ball of fire will always back up to give time for any important
characters to run away. This usually happens when thecamera angle changes.
Disasters that should take 5 seconds can easily take as long as necesary
for characters to reach safety. These things usually never effect the hiding
spot.
Whenever the hero or
heroine is injured, it will always be a member of the opposite sex who treats
their wounds, especially if the man is the wounded one.
Teenage girls only
own pretty, lacy, undergarments, and they always have matching sets of bras
and panites.
Villans will always
explain their plan, in its entirety, to the hero before leaving him in an
easily escapable situation with an incredibly incompetent guard, or no guard
at all.
Talking to someone
in a coma will bring them out if it.
When the hero is taking
on a barrage of the villian's henchmen, they will attack him one at a time.
If a man is dressed
up as a woman, no matter how ugly of a woman he is, some guy will hit on
him.
Cheerleaders wear their
uniforms to school and they all sit at the same table.
Anytime a hero or group
of heroes has entered the villians lair or any other heavily gaurded facility,
the heroes will have to at one point sneak pass gaurds or hide from two
gaurds walking down a hallway. And they will never be noticed.
A villain can hotwire
any car in a matter of seconds.
Extremely wealthy characters
speak with a British accent.
It is impossible to
hear the television when a character is watching it in the background.
Teenage boys always
have messy rooms, the beds always have plaid covers, and posters are all
over the walls.
In schools, students
always completely clear out of the classroom no longer than 3 seconds after
the bell rings, no matter what is going on.
People have conversations
while fighting each other hand-to-hand.
Nightmares always end
with a scream.
Men don't seem to show
signs of pain when receiving brutal beatings, but do when women try to clean
the wounds.
Characters get over
another person's death in about a day.
All archers never run
out of arrows
The person with special
powers never seems to use them for anything fun or practical.
The girls in the locker
room shower are always gorgeous, and naked.
When a guy screws up
in a relationship, he'll call his girl a million times, and she will listen
to all his messages, but never pick up the phone.
Scenes taking place
at an asylum have crazy people wandering around unsupervised, while some
nurse is pushing a catatonic in a wheelchair.
All teenage boys have
some kind of "do not enter or else" sticker or sign on their bedroom
door.
Something very very
bad always happens when someone says "How bad can it be?" or "Can
things get any worse?"
British people in movies
are always posh, rich snobs and use the phrase bloody hell in every sentence.
While crossing wobbly
old rope bridges, the hero will always state “don’t look down.”
Then the female will say, “too late,” prompting the wooden board
she next steps on to break and she falls through, and is left dangling high
above a river that’s always full of hungry, man-eating crocodiles.
Any teen comedy usually
ends with a prom no matter the time of year.
If the hero is running,
the henchmen's' machine-guns will always give off sparks behind the heroes
feet and never actually hit him.
Heroes/villains, especially
when wearing bulky, heavy, long black trench coats, can jump easily from
rooftop to rooftop, always able to clear alleys ten to fifteen feet wide.
If a parent goes to
their child's bedroom and they are already in bed asleep, the parent will
approach the bed and say something kind to the sleeping child before brushing
their hair into place and kissing them on the forehead.
Be extremely cautious
around cremation urns, because somehow it's going to get knocked over.
If there is a dangerous
man breaking into a house, only the mother and daughter will be home. The
mother will then usher the child into a closet and tell her to stay there,
and the closet will always have those blinds with little slits in them that
the child can look through. The bad man will always approach the closet,
but will never look inside before leaving.
