C A R A M E L coated

'Friends' Quotes

Phoebe: If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

Rachel: ...How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr Long: Three.
Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!

Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: [putting his hands up] Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen.

Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.

Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.

Judy Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress.
Nora Bing: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Charles Bing: But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then.
Nora Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck.

Monica: This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Chandler: Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the game, plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.

Mike Hanigan: Aren't you going to introduce me?
Phoebe: This is my husband... Crap Bag.
Mike Hanigan: If you need help remembering, just think of a bag of crap.

Chandler: It's been a while since we've yelled something... Maybe we should... No.
Phoebe: What? No. Damn you ref. Burn in hell.

Chandler: Hey! Pipe down! This woman tried to do a nice thing so she could get to know all of you and I bet not one of you can tell me her name.
Neighbour: ...Candy lady?
Chandler: Okay, that's it. Go home! You ruined it!
Joey: Yeah, you ruined it! You ruined it!
Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a minute, I mean, somebody slipped a threatening note under the door.
Joey: [takes note] Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality...

Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.
[Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]
Monica: No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.

Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half pure evil!

Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel: Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
Rachel: You shouldn't.

Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came fourth and cried!

Amy: You know what would be great? If you guys died!
Ross: Thank you, Amy!

Rachel: Wha... married?
Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married!
Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything?

Rachel: [after telling him that Pheobe said that there was something wrong with the plane's "fillange"] Sir, what are you doing?
Guy sitting next to her: I'm getting off this plane. I can't go on a plane if there's something wrong with its "fillange".
Stewardess: Sir, sir! That's OK, this plane doesn't have a "fillange".
Guy sitting next to her: Oh, my God! This plane doesn't even have a "fillange"!

Ross: What are you doing?
Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some?
Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.

Rachel: The "I Hate Rachel Green Club"? Who was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross..
Ross: There's no need to point; she knows who Ross is.
Rachel: Ross! Who else?
Ross: Well, there was that exchange student from Thailand, but I don't think he really understand what it was.
Rachel: [to Monica] Did you know about this?
Monica: I swear I didn't know. Wait a minute; is that why the two of you used to go into your room and lock the door?
Ross: [ashamed] Uh, yes.
Monica: Gotta tell you; that's a relief.

Ross: After you told me that she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was alright. She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forhead but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away but then I felt her kissing me back. It was only for a second but it was amazing. And now I found out that you kissed her first!
Chandler: Wait, what bed did you say she was on?
Ross: Mine.
Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.
Ross: No, she was defintely on my bed.
Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
Ross: Well then who was on my bed?
Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: No! No! No!
Monica: Yes!
Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I was the pile of coats.
Ross: Oh my god!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss ever?
Chandler: What did I marry into?

Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.

[Erica has just given bith to a baby boy]
Monica: Oh my God, he's beautiful. Thank you so much.
Erica: I'm really happy for you guys.
Chandler: How do you feel?
Erica: I'm tired.
Dr. Harad: Well, you don't have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute.
Monica: I... I'm sorry, who should be along in a what now?
Dr. Harad: The next baby should be along in a minute.
Monica: We only ordered one!
Dr. Harad: You know it's twins, right?
Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!

Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.
Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

Rachel: Can you take care of Emma just for today?
Ross: Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.

Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!

Joey: I hate Pottery barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed.
Chandler: You took off your pants and cimbed under the sheets!

[after Ross has bragged about having "unagi"]
Phoebe, Rachel: [sneaking up from behind Ross, shouting] Danger!
[Ross screams]
Rachel: Ah, salmon skin roll.

Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: The Irish jig guy?
Chandler: His legs flay about as if independent from his body!

Phoebe: Hey. Why isn't it Spiderman? You know, like Goldman, Silverman.
Chandler: Because, it... t's not his last name.
Phoebe: It isn't?
Chandler: No. It's not like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider man. You know, like Goldman is a last name but there's no gold man.
Phoebe: Oh, oh okay...
Phoebe: There should be a gold man!

Joey: That Porsche I've got the keys to, still there!
Chandler: Shocking, since you still have the keys!

Chandler: I'm gonna be moving out, so you are gonna be in charge of paying the rent.
Joey: Right! And when is that deal?
Chandler: First of the month.
Joey: And that's every month?
Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.

Rachel: [Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to the desk by Rachel's boss] You know what, Chandler? You got yourself into those 'cuffs, you get yourself out.
Chandler: I can't! You must have me confused with "The Amazing Chandler!"

Rachel: [Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to Rachel's boss's desk. Rachel has grudgingly agreed to release him] You promise you will never see Joanna again.
Chandler: Never.
Rachel: You will never set foot in this office again.
Chandler: No.
Rachel: You'll give me back my Walkman.
Chandler: I prom... I never borrowed your Walkman.
Rachel: [pause] Well, then I lost it, you buy me one!
Chandler: You got it! Come on!
Rachel: [unlocks cuffs. Chandler rubs wrists where cuffs were] Does it hurt?
Chandler: No, I just see guys doing this when they get cuffs taken off.
[runs over to office door where his pants are hanging]
Chandler: Hello, sweet pants!
Rachel: Wait a minute! How are you going to say you got out?
Chandler: I'll make something up. I'm good at lying. I actually did borrow your Walkman.

Ross: We were on a break!
Chandler: Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!

Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.

[Playing American Football]
Monica: Okay, Phoebs, you know what you're doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, Joey's gonna catch the ball and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe: What's block?
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you knew what you're doing.
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.

Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No.
Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?

Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good."
Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know?
Chandler: I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.

Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody's ass!
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: After one class? I don't think so.
Rachel: What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it's a concept.
Phoebe: Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel.
Ross: All right, maybe it means that too.
Rachel: Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.
Ross: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!

Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right!... Y'serious?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: ... Are we still talking about sex?

Chandler: Why wouldn't your parents be happy that we're living together?
Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like you. I'm sorry.
Chandler: What? What? Why?
Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you're really sarcastic, or that, you know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.
Chandler: Is this why they don't like me or why you don't like me?

Monica: OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Ross: Well, I don't know. Phoebe just threw a Jack away because he didn't look happy.

[Monica creeps up on Chandler, in the men's room]
Monica: You know, Chandler, I've always found public men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you?
Chandler: No. And, if I did, I don't think we would be seeing each other.

[Phoebe is cutting Monica's hair]
Phoebe: Relax, I know what I'm doing, this is how HE wears it.
Monica: How who wears it?
Phoebe: Demi Moore
Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
Phoebe: Well, he was HE in ARTHUR and in 10, eh.
Monica: THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE., I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
Phoebe: Oh, OH.
Monica: OH MY GOD.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'M SORRY. Which one is Demi Moore?
Monica: SHE'S the ACTRESS, who was in DISCLOSURE, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and GHOST.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
Monica: I KNOW.

Joey Tribbiani: [after smelling potpourri] Well, this is like summer in a bowl!

Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica: [on the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on.
[to Rachel]
Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks.
Monica: That is the unusual activity.

Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.

Ross: Every week a TV Guide is delivered to Joey and Chandler. What is the name on the magazine?
Rachel: Oh it's Chandler Bing. Him. Right there.
Monica: No.
Ross: Actually the correct answer is "Chanandler Bong"
Chandler: Ms. Chanandler Bong.

Reporter: I like that. what's your name?
[pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]
Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.

Rachel: Honey what are you doing here?
Phoebe: [to Ross] Which sister is this, the spoiled one or the one that bit her?
Jill Green: Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe: [to Ross] Never mind I got it.
Jill Green: And you know what I said to him? I said, I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then cut *you* off.
Rachel: Wow. What did he say?
Jill Green: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.

Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages. They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games.
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents.

Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica: Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.

Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up.
Monica: No. Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?
Phoebe: [pauses] Because I'm normal.

Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo."
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: So, do you want us to leave the room?

Chandler: [to Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute.
Joey: But it hurts my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.

Joey: [Ross, Chandler and Joey are discussing the best man for Ross and Emily's wedding] Wait, Wait! Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time!
Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time.
Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!
Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding.
Joey: [looks at Chandler and then back at Ross] I'll never get to be a best man!

Chandler: You can't come in.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked.
Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?

Joey: Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?
Monica, Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
[Monica and Chandler look impressed]
Joey: It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.
[later]
Joey: Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Joey: When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica: How bout receiving?
Joey: Yes!

Monica: Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, I just can't watch. It's too scary.
Monica: It's a Pampers commercial.
[Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down... ]
Rachel: Oh, you know me - babies, responsibilities, ahhh.

Phoebe: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy? I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when you're 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.

Joey: And you call yourself an accountant?
Chandler: ...No.

Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump out.
Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996.
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen.
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
Rachel: If that happens now, you're going to feel SO bad.

Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.

Joey: Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code?

Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT."

[Ross is wearing a white suit]
Monica: I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.
Ross: Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.
Rachel: Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?

Joey: Want some jam?
Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.

Monica: I'm dating a guy whose pool I once peed in.
Richard: I didn't need to know that.

Phoebe: No, I definitely don't like the name Ross.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
Phoebe: Well it's just that something like this would never happen to, like, The Hulk.

[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms]
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

[Monica looks fat in an old home movie]
Monica: The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?

Nurse: There are too many people in here. So if you aren't an ex-husband, or a lesbian life-partner, please leave.
Chandler: Do you have to be Carol's lesbian life-partner or can you be anyone's?

Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.

Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?

Chandler: Am I a Mark or a John?
Joey: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney.

Ross: I think my marriage might be kind of over.
Phoebe: Oh, my God, why?
Ross: Cause Carol's a lesbian, and I'm not... and apparently it's not a mix and match situation.

Joey: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were *homo* sapiens, is that why they're exctinct?
Ross: Joey, they are people.
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging.

Joey: "Heads" should be ducks, because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties?

[Rachel complaining about her father]
Rachel: Oh, it was horrible. He called me "young lady".
Chandler: Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that.

Joey: Hey, I got something for you.
Chandler: What's this?
Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.

Phoebe: No, Mr. Heckels, we're not making any noise.
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
Phoebe: You don't even play the oboe.
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe.
Phoebe: Well, then I'll have to ask you to keep it down.

[Reading Rachel's "romance novel."]
Monica: "Throbbing pens"? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.

Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to.

Chandler: Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: I'd probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.
Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.
Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.

Chandler: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So - you're just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe: Um... Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint.
Joey: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. Clint.
Joey: What's up with Gene?

Rachel: Oh my God. I've become my father. I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming.

Rachel: See? Unisex.
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I just had it a few days ago.
Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.
Joey: I wouldn't say no to that.

Monica: What is going on with you?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day.
Joey: All right... There is something. I... I kind of had a dream. But I don't wanna talk about it.
Chandler: What if Martin Luther King had said that. "I kind of have a dream... I don't wanna talk about it."

[When asked if he knows anything about chicks]
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women?... No.

Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet?
Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense...
Chandler: MUCH sense?

Susan: There's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover's Day.
Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover's Day.

Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.

Chandler: Eww, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
Ross: Okay, I think it's time to change someone's nicotine patch.
[does so]
Chandler: [deadpan] Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?

Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: I thought you were Chandler.
[Joey looks disturbed]
Gunther: [motioning to Chandler] Um, one of you is over there.

Ross: I went to the tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?

[Joey is trying to convince Ross to let him appear in a commercial instead of Ben]
Joey: Come on, Ross! I should be in this commercial! Even Chandler thinks so!
Ross: Is this true, Chandler?
Chandler: Uh.. .um... hey, who's that at the door?
[Chandler gets up and answers the door. No-one's there]
Chandler: Oh, hi, no-one!
[Chandler steps out]

[Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and asks what's happening]
Joey: It's the chick. She's going through some changes.
Monica: What kind of changes?
Chandler: The vet seems to think she becoming a rooster.
[Rooster crows]
Chandler: We're getting second opinion.

Monica: Hey. Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider.
[takes a glass from the fridge]
Chandler: Taste it.
Joey: [drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge] Yep, it's fat. I drank fat.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

Chandler: [entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.

[Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their wedding]
Monica: Why must your family be Scottish?
Chandler: Why must your family be Ross?

[About Ugly Naked Guy]
Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming.

Joey: Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend.
Rachel: Oh my god. That's our friend. It's naked Ross.

Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early, " did you mean 1986?

Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah. I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick.

Joey: Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.
[yelling]
Joey: Get out of the way jackass.
[to Rachel]
Joey: Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.

Joey: You're mean on the boat.
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.

[talking to Ross]
Joey: I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?
Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler: [reading the paper] Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night.
[to Ross]
Chandler: Where exactly were you around ten-ish?

Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.
Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

Ross: So, how was your date with Mr. Millionaire?
Chandler: Mr. Millionaire, from Expensive Playthings. Third wife sold separately.

Ross: I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat.

Ross: I'm gonna say this as Monica's brother. Not as your friend.
Chandler: So now you're not my friend?
Ross: Not now.
Chandler: All right.
Ross: So i couldn't be happier cause you're marrying Monica. But if someday you ever hurt her, I will hunt you down and kick your ass.
Chandler: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ross: What, what? I'm just warning you. I'll hunt you down and kick your ass.
Chandler: Ok. So now you're my friend again?
Ross: Yes.
Chandler: You wouldn't believe what Monica's brother just told me...

[Phoebe is trying to raise money by selling knives]
Phoebe: Ok I know what you're thinking...
Chandler: Pregnant woman slays four?

Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane.
Chandler: That's great Pheebs, now all you have to do is find a plane load of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Monica: [to everybody] We have to talk.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm getting a deja-vous. All right no I'm not.
Monica: All right, we have to talk.
Phoebe: There it is.

Joey: I'm hungry.
Phoebe: We could eat the wax. It's organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because THAT would be crazy.

Joey: You think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

Chandler: Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
Chandler: All right.
[on phone]
Chandler: Yes, this is Rachel.

Monica: Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did.
Monica: Well, what did you ask her?
Joey: 'When can you move in?'

Monica: Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler: They were just giving it away at the mall...
[Monica stares]
Chandler: ...in exchange for money.

Amy: Could I take this call upstairs?
Ross: Sure... but we don't live there.
Amy: [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor.
Rachel: He has a Phd.
Amy: Ewww...

Monica: Hey, Amy. Is this the first time you've seen Emma?
Amy: I think so...
[looks at Phoebe]
Amy: Hi Emma.
Phoebe: Phoebe.
Amy: That's a funny noise.

Monica: Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont.
Ross: I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault.
Monica: Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money.

Ross: Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.
Joey: Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans.
[winks at Ross]
Ross: Why'd you wink at me?
Joey: Don't look at me. You're the one who like the picture so much.

Chandler: Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks.
Joey: Why?
Chandler: There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met.
Joey: How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing.
Chandler: I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in.
Joey: I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines.
Chandler: [sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living.
Joey: I know.

Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: Ok, you got a better one?
Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: By Sandrine.

Monica: Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad.
Rachel: Ok, what does he look like?
Monica: He's the man in the black dress. Hurry.
Rachel: Ok...
[Rachel approaches a woman, who she thinks is Chandler's dad]
Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. And you are?
Woman: Amanda.
Rachel: Oh... I get it. A-man-duh.

[in Richard's apartment]
Chandler: Oh, my god. Look at this tape. It says 'Monica'.
Joey: So?
Chandler: Think about it. Ex-boyfriend's apartment, videotape with her name on it...
[Joey looks thoughtful]
Chandler: Get there faster.
[Joey thinks for a few seconds]
Joey: Ohhhh.

Phoebe: Observe the art of seduction. Watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.

Monica: Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I CAN'T STOP SMILING.
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

[Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents]
Phoebe: Oh, my god. Under the couch.
[takes out bag]
Rachel: We got one. It's a Macy's bag.
[turns it over and an old shoe falls out]
Phoebe: Yay. Who's it for?
Rachel: [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear suckers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch. P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Phoebe: Oh, no. I think she might be on to us.

[Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead]
Ross: So, did you bring Joey?
Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing.
[Chandler walks in]
Ross: Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica.
Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong.

Phoebe: [about Ross] I'm trying not to be mad at him, but man that guy can push my buttons.
Monica: Why are so mad at him?
Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
Monica: Well, it just seems that...
Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking. Has anyone seen my list by the way?
Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
Phoebe: It's a piece of paper and it says "Ross" on it.

[Frank was supposed to name one of his sons after Chandler]
Frank Buffay Jr.: Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl.
Chandler: Hold on, kindergarten flashback.
Frank Buffay Jr.: No, there was a mistake. It turns out that we missed it on the x-rays, the baby was a girl after all. Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl.
Chandler: Oh, please keep screaming that.

Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.

[after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice]
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Joey: He's grieving.
[We see Chandler running outside]
Chandler: I'M FREE. I AM FREE.

Rachel: I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated dad's office.
Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.

Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.

Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

Monica: I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.

Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals.
Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your own troops?

Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.

Phoebe: You still love Rachel.
Ross: No, I don't.
Phoebe: You got married to her.
Ross: In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey.
Phoebe: [angry] Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni.

Chandler: You can't wear Batman's tux. I got James Bond's tux. You'll ruin the special time for me.
Ross: Look, you're marrying the woman you love. It's special enough.
Chandler: [mimics Ross] Me me me me me meh. Don't do this to me. I wouldn't do anything on your wedding to make you upset.
Ross: At my wedding, you slept with my sister.
Chandler: 'Cause that's what 007 would do.

[Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that Richard is selling]
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here.
[Joey and Chandler laugh]
Chandler: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple.
Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry.
Joey: Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna' have this conversation again.

Charles Bing: Hello, Nora.
Nora Bing: Hello, Charles.
Charles Bing: Well, it's nice to see all of you. Although we are seeing a bit too much of some. Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Nora Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that!

Chandler: Here's something I hope I never have to say again. My dad called, and he asked me if he can borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: Oh, I don't have anything like that. I'll go see if Rachel has one.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.

Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we".

Chandler: You look beautiful mom.
Nora Bing: Thanks, dear.
Charles Bing: Ahem.
Chandler: You... look beautiful too, dad.

[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding]
Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.

Rachel: [on the phone with her dad] Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait. I said maybe.

Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.
Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.

Joey: I am telling this to Rachel.
Monica: No, Joey.
Joey: Unless...
Chandler: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first born after me.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni.
[pause]
Joey: Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.

Chandler: [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.

Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know.

Monica: Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff?
Rachel: No, I was going to do this all by myself.
Joey: [laughs] You're gonna do it?
Rachel: Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this?
Joey: Oh, women can. You... can't.

[Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it]
Rachel: I will have the uh,
[whispers]
Rachel: side salad.
Waiter: [whispers] And what will that be on the side of?
Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?
Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up...
[notices Monica's angry glare]
Chandler: And now I wish I was dead.

[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet]
Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Wait.
[runs hands through hair]
Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm NOT an eight year-old girl.
Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?

Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why.
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

Joey: All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
Mike: I am Mike.
Joey: Attaboy.

Joey: Is Phoebe here with the cab yet?
Chandler: Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.

[Joey enters the apartment carrying a bag]
Joey: Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
[Chandler looks at the bag]
Chandler: Yes, it is... at Office Max.

Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?
Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
Chandler: For three years?

Monica: There are no jobs for me.
Joey: Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked?
Monica: There's an ad for a naked chef?
Joey: No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked.

Phoebe: A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.

[Ross looking at Monica's legs]
Ross: Wow.
Chandler: Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs

Joey: There was this movie, "Footloose".
Chandler: "Flashdance".
Joey: Where this plumber chick...
Chandler: She was a welder
Joey: What, were you like *in* the movie?

Phoebe: They're coming. Run!
Joey: Where?
Phoebe: Mexico!

Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you?
Chandler: It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

Joey: Of course it was a line!
Monica: Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that?
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."

Chandler: Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.
Joey: I will not take this abuse.
[Walks to the door and opens it to leave]
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry.
[Burst into song and dances out of the door]
Chandler: 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy... '

Joey: Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Joey: By someone besides Monica?

Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler: That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[Knock at door]
Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

[Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters]
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.

Joey: Maybe we can lure them out somehow. Do you know any bird calls?
Chandler: Oh, tons. I'm quite the woodsman.

Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at 12 interviews today
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat!
Rachel: Well you would be too if you got new boots 50% off
Chandler: Oh how well you know me

Ross: Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class.
Chandler: Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym?

Rachel: Ok, well, I'm turnin' in.
Chandler: Rach, we gotta settle.
Rachel: Settle what?
Chandler: The Jamestown Settlement of Virginia!

Joey: Hey, you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff...
Joey: I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight!
Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening?
Ross: You take your time.

Phoebe: [Pulls out Monica's old bathing suit] Hey Monica what's this?
Monica: Oh, that's my old bathing suit from high school... I was bigger then...
Chandler: Really... I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticutt when it rained...

Monica: There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica.
Erica: Oh my God, that's just like my name!
Monica: [pause] Son of a gun, it is!

[Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross]
Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants.
[Mr. Zelner looks shocked]
Ross: I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!

[Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding]
Ross: A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!

Phoebe: [Rachel has lied to her father about her upcoming marriage to Ross] I'd like to attend your imaginary wedding; but I'm really busy that day. I have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah.

Dr. Leonard Green: [Rachel has asked Phoebe to go to dinner to help her tell her father she is pregnant] Why don't I order everyone the Mandarin pork?
Phoebe: I don't eat meat.
Dr. Leonard Green: This isn't meat; it's pork!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I don't eat that either.
Dr. Leonard Green: [shaking his head] I'll never understand you lesbians.

Rachel: How about for a girl, Rain?
Ross: Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."
Phoebe: I know her!

[Phoebe changes her name after marrying Mike]
Monica: Hello, Miss Buffay.
Phoebe: Oh, that's not my name any more.
Monica: Oh, you changed it? Congratulations, Mrs. Hannigan.
Phoebe: No, that's not my name either.
Monica: What did you change your name to?
Phoebe: Princess Consuella Bananahammock.
Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby.

Monica: Chandler, you're panicking...
Chandler: Yes! Join me, won't you?

Monica: [Monica referring to her fancy new boots] See, Chandler? I'm getting a lot use out of them already. They're very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants...
Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on the street corner and earn the money to pay for them.

Monica: [while on his back] Chandler, where are my boots, do you have them?
[Chandler's carrying Monica home after she took her boots off from the pain]
Chandler: Yes, why don't we look in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!

David: Alright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... well, you just better watch out.
Mike: Well, if I ever go to Minsk, you'd better watch out.
David: Oh, you're going to Minsk?
Mike: Well, I might.
David: Really? Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely there.

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